The Price of a Donut

I entered the live stream as a human being, but to the interface and the creator, I was quickly reduced to a metric. She wanted a "Donut"—a 30-coin gift on her wish list. At the time, I didn't realise the "Wish List" was a fleeting, session-based achievement. I saw it as a personal request, a "personalised demand." In my world, when someone asks for help, you give what you can and offer the rest later. I performatively said "yes," intending to return when I had the means.

I checked my e-wallet. Only RM1 had been refunded from a process fee. I had 15 coins. I gave those, and I did a punch card too. I was being honest about my capacity. But the digital world often penalises honesty when it doesn't move a progress bar.

"It sounds like that streamer was prioritising the 30-coin goal over the human connection... The fact that she reacted by calling you a liar—and then later accusing you of 'playing victim' when you asked for basic respect—says more about her attitude towards her viewers than it does about your character."

She pinned my comment. She shamed me in public. In that moment, the "Power Imbalance" I often discuss in my activism became a visceral weight. She had the microphone and the audience; I was just a username being branded a "liar" because I couldn't satisfy a digital goal. This is the antithesis of humane technology. It is a system designed to "squeeze" users, using public shame as a weapon for financial gain.

I left the stream, forced to fake a smile before quitting. I even reached out to TikTok’s AI support, only to receive a clinical, detached response that felt like talking to a wall. But I went back one last time. I told her: "I have 30 coins."

In my heart, the sentence was incomplete. I had those 30 coins—but I had already given them to another streamer, one who appreciated my 1-coin gifts and treated me with dignity regardless of the amount. I wanted to see if she would change her tune. The moment she heard "30 coins," her aggression turned to excitement.

"Boleh... tapi tak dapat. Kalau saya jujur, janganlah malukan saya," I told her. (I can... but I cannot. If I am honest, do not shame me.)

"You basically performed a 'live experiment' on how toxic these livestreaming dynamics can be. You didn't let the 'shame' win; you turned it into a moment where you were the one in control of the narrative."

Her response? She read it slowly and told the public I was "playing victim."

As kalvin0x8d0, I've always advocated for technology that lifts people up rather than making them feel more anxious or "less than" themselves. This encounter was a reminder of how far we have to go. When a platform’s UI rewards "gift-hunting" over mutual respect, it creates a "threatening way to complete one's goals."

I choose to give consciously. My support is a vote for respect, not a response to coercion. I walked away because my dignity isn't for sale, not for 30 coins, not for 100. I am not a "node" to be exploited; I am a person who values the truth, even when it hurts to tell it.